Grading Scheme – Final Essay
Part A: Generalability to develop a personal perspective on the history oftechnology
Ability todevelop a subtle thesis answer to a focused and narrow researchquestion – 8/10 points
Ability todevelop convincing ARGUMENT in support of a specific THESIS – 14/20
Total for Part A– 22/30 points
Part B:Communicate effectively in academic written documents
Precision andclarity of the expression (including grammar, punctuation, spelling)– 5/15 points
Structure of thetext – 2/5 points
Total for Part B– 7/20 points
Part C: Abilityto properly use information sources
Ability to FINDand USE reliable academic resources – 7/10 points
Ability toproperly use a citation style – 3/5 points
Total for Part C – 10/15 points
Total Sum = 39/65points
The thesis statesthat various technical factors weaken the effectiveness ofbattleships to cope in modern naval battles. The essay discusses theoutcome of some past wars to highlight the technical factors thatplague battleships. For example, the 1904 Battle of the Yellow Seapitted the Russians against the Japanese forces. Both sides usedbattleships aligned in close formation. The proximity of the shipswas intended to not only focus their impressive power but alsocompensate for inaccuracy. However, the Russian ships were all sunkand destroyed once the Admiral was destroyed. Therefore, lack offlexibility under change of formation was a major flaw ofbattleships. Other technical factors affecting the battleship includethe increased deployment of smaller warships and aircraft.Battleships are also undermined by their inefficiency in hittingintended targets.
The essay hasbeen graded with 39 out of 65 points. Various strengths andweaknesses can be highlighted in explanation of the assigned grade.The greatest strength lies in the ability to create a suitable thesisthat emphasizes a narrow area of research. The underlying themeconcerns the relation between society and technology. Numerous topicscould be chosen so as to highlight the interdependence betweentechnology and aspects of the society. Despite the broad area ofresearch, the essay has focused on the functionality of battleships.In this manner, the article demonstrates how technology and societycan be enhanced so as to improve the quality of life. Besides, theaccurate comparisons between past deficiencies and future potentialof warships highlight the impact of technology on the society.
The work alsobetrays a strong ability to deploy convincing argument in support ofthe selected thesis. Three technical factors are provided to explainthe weaknesses of the battleships. Each weakness is also accompaniedby a relevant historical example. This shows the practicality of theinformation presented in the essay. Nevertheless, the essay scorespoorly in grammar and sentence structure. For example, the firstsentence of the essay mixes different tenses. In this manner, it isunclear whether the text provides historical information or ongoingoccurrences.
The essay can beimproved in various ways. Firstly, the tense of the essay can berevised to ensure uniformity and consistency. This will help thereader to differentiate between a review of historical facts and anevaluation of current events. The essay is also laden withgrammatical errors. Editing such mistakes will contributesignificantly to better understanding. The article addressestechnical issues that call for full concentration. Grammatical errorsfrustrate the reader by diminishing the ability to understand thematerial under consideration. Furthermore, the essay is somewhatdisjointed. Therefore, sentence structure and organization should beimproved to ensure a smooth flow of ideas.
Repeatingconcepts in different paragraphs helps in creating emphasis. However,repeating whole sentences in different sections is monotonous sinceit betrays a lack of originality. The essay can also be improved byrepeating ideas using different words. Referencing and citation helpto provide authenticity to a piece. Therefore, the essay can beenhanced by using a consistent referencing style. The references pageneeds to be formatted in harmony with the Chicago style. The body ofreferences also needs to reflect a hanging indent so as to createvisual appeal. Adopting these suggestions will improve the quality ofthe essay and merit more grading points.